Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
You Might Also Like
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.