I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
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Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
My Guy
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?