MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
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(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!