Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
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The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
🤣🤣🤣