Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
You Might Also Like
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.