I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
You Might Also Like
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like