fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
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The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.