That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
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I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”