When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
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Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
He a real one for that
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget