I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
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Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”