The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
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Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers