A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
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Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
President The Rock Obama
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!