We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
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The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.