Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
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During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I’m already scared
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
describing stardew valley
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u