My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
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Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Pringles
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway