Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
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“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me