Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
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Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.