Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
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This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?