Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
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No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
hey, alexa
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Thanks to a fan for this one.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt