If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
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I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.