My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
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put ‘er there pardner!
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
He-man has a Masters degree
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.