You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
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A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
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I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Called it
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe