Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
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*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt