Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
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My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.