me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
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An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Mission: Impossible
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.