The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
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We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!