Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
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It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.