Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
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I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.