You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
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If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
wait.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.