Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
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[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.