Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
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The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Lol.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry