Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
it must be school picture day
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.