To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
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My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints