By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
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This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.