I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
You Might Also Like
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*