Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
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[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.