“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
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Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Breaking news:
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
that lip filler tho
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs