This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
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Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!