a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
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Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.