Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
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Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5