[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
You Might Also Like
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that鈥檚 a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 饾樀饾槱饾槮饾槸 exterminate all human life.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
ME: You鈥檙e making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they鈥檒l send your kid back.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]