Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
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If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.