Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
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i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!