If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
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doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
scared to check what name she chose
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.