*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
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It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
*me flirting
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that