[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
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Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.