Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
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*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Name another movie that mislead you?
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
This is why I hate group projects
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.