the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
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Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?