I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
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[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out