Should I call tech support or pray or what
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I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.